first wednesday of the month...

it's one of my favorite times of work - we have staff chapel for an hour first thing in the morning... and then everyone goes into meetings - except for me and maybe one other person - but in my part of the world, it's only me and richard (printer) - and basically, we keep to ourselves most of the time anyway... i like it because it's quiet... completely quiet - except the clicking of the keys on my keyboard and the distant hum of something (lights?)...

i don't write anymore... it's a sad reality in my life right now... while i was talking with amy last night, i realized that i don't really write much these days... i don't think i'm a great writer (at all) - however, it helps me process a lot of the time - and i can find nuggets of good stuff in my writing... lately, i haven't done the writing - and therefore, the processing - and i think it got me in trouble... having not processed everything thoroughly, i think i got a little overwhelmed - and last week would have been a much more pleasant experience had i been able to see what was going on - had i processed it then - and not try to reconstruct it in my mind this week...

i'm trying to get a hold of this whole "christian" thing, too... there is a lot that i'm trying to figure out... not that i think i'm going to be able to, fully... so much of my attitude is cynical, skeptical... i don't want to fall in the pattern of the "christians" that i know that i don't like... i also don't want to fall the other way in being so skeptical of them that i miss out on learning important truth from their lives and experiences...

i don't want to think of ministry as a job or this life that i'm living as a routine... i don't want to just walk the journey, just get by - but frolic - enjoy it, skip merrily along the path - taking moments to stop when needed and rushing by when necessary... i don't want to give up on people when they let me down...

i don't want to just be aware, but wise... i say stupid stuff a lot... i wonder how many people have been hurt by the things i say... i don't really want to know... but i wish that people didn't feel pain because of stupid things i've let roll of my tongue with little regard for the hearers of my thoughtless words...

sometimes i wish i was more qualified for the task at hand... at the end, i'm typically grateful that i wasn't more qualified because i wouldn't have learned as much patience or trust... sometimes, though, it would feel nice to feel like i know what i'm doing...

it's the first wednesday of the month... i better get some work done...